What Must Be

My medication just got increased. I am still out of work. I have to let go of the common worries of money and those types of things. I have to truly believe that I am in the hands of God. My own hands have failed me. Perhaps failed is the not the right choice of words. Perhaps inexperienced hands would be a better choice. I have learned that the age I am now is often a triggering age for uni-polar or bi-polar disorders to rear their heads. I will not say, "ugly head," because I feel no shame in what I feel as I am sure most people have felt what I have felt on some level or another and feeling shame will only exacerbate things not only for myself but only serve to make my readers feel potentially shameful too and that is not a thing I wish for. 

Something happened in the last 8 months that triggered a chemical alteration in my brain. Emotionally I am not the same as I was, say, a year ago. My sleep is deeply disturbed. I am fixated on washing dishes and rearranging the glasses on my kitchen shelf. I check my email every second or two as well as my phone.  

Zoe is here and I am thankful for her presence. She is the daughter of a very old friend.

Since my hospitalization I have not had a crying jag or thoughts of suicide. Until last night. I am feeling tense, anxious, and the crying jags have begun again. This morning I began the increase of medication; it is possible this increase is having this effect. I don't know. I am not having thoughts of suicide; just the weeping. 

I have just arranged to get a full medical work-up to rule out some things that might otherwise be responsible for my current state affairs. 

I wish I could draw as I have a mad urge to paint.