Rain

Something is not right. If any of you know what this is please contact me as I have never felt this way before. I seem to be having physical sensations that mimic partly, the rocking motion of the sea, and sometimes like I have fallen in quicksand. I frolic along for a few days feeling unaware of anything askew and then suddenly I am on the floor heaving up tears from my bowels. Do you feel this way?

Some say I am suffering from PTSS and others say the recent events triggered old PTSS and that I am simply - note the word 'simply'- experiencing the things I never experienced before. Metaphor: I was in a car wreck in 1972 and my spine and legs were smashed. I suffered brain damage and was left a vegetable; today I looked down and noticed the wheelchair and my assigned companion; yesterday I realized that all those that I remember from back in '72 are all dead or left to go on with lives without me. I am a metaphor for death. I am a pool of liquid. I can not staunch the flow

A Sound Emanates Like That Of An Animal

Freda called me this morning and she reminds me of things. She reminds me of what it was that my ex-husband actually did to me. It is not a blow by blow account but rather what he has reduced me to. She narrows it down to his having made me believe that I am unlovable. 

And then I loose it. Then that sound comes out. I heard that sound the day before I put Milo down. He howled from his bowels. The sound said: "Please, I've had enough". My sound dropped me to my own knees. I have had enough; I don't want to be here anymore. 

Nothing sounds sweet. Nothing seems believable. Nothing gives me comfort.

The Music Blaring In My Apartment

If you hear the music blaring in an apartment go see the occupant. It is me. I am crying. I am blaring the music so that you can not hear my weeping. There is shame in feeling such lachrymose.

Suicide

I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't think I live in a world that cares about anything and I wonder why I even bother. I am depressed. Even my friends don't seem to give me comfort. When I am not at work all I think about is suicide. I can't seem to shake this feeling. The silence around me is deafening. I feel uncomfortable in the world and I don't trust anything.

I know my loneliness is shared by others. But yet everyone seems scared to death to share their life with another. I can't bare the thought of going to my death alone. I can't bare it.